Getting There: Taking Each Step a Small Breath at a Time

selective focus photography of green grass near beach
Photo by Julia Sakelli on

There are times where you sit back and just reflect on where you’ve been and compare it to where you are now. You look over the path and see the obstacles and how you’ve overcome them, and how the trials and tribulations that you thought you never would get past are now behind you. You look at those, take a deep breath in, claim a small victory, and start looking ahead at what might come next.

That’s exactly where I am right now. I’ve come out of a period of turmoil and struggle, and am now at a point where I can rest and look toward rebuilding in order to move forward. But even that isn’t an easy journey, nor is it one we can count on our plans being kept or successful.

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. So, if you are to make plans, be sure to only write them down in pencil, because there is one truth when it comes to planning, and that is they will change.

When I was injured in 2016, I thought that with the proper treatment, I’d bounce back quickly, and be back to my normal self quickly. When that happened, and the pain started to put me into a deep spiral with my mental health, I decided I would seek permanent disability, only to be rejected twice in a very short period of time. I felt dejected. And when I did decide to go back to work, I felt like a failure, as bad things outside of my control kept getting in the way, causing me to be unable to work.

What I didn’t realize was that I was being set up to in order to receive the opportunity for my body to heal so I could return to society whole, not in a partially broken state. One of those moments allowed me to go a completely different route with my treatment for my injuries in February 2018, and by March 2018, my body was responding positively, and I was able to move in ways I had not in more than 18 months. My body felt whole again.

Two weeks ago, I returned to work. This time, I felt whole and alive. I felt more ready than I have ever before. My body was responding as a whole, not in a broken manner. My mind is clear and sharp, not dulled by pain and mental distress from the pain. I feel more alive today than I have ever before, and I feel ready to conquer the world, and not in a manic kind of way. But in a way that feels grounded and more settled. I feel at peace.

I still have obstacles that are frustrating me and drag me down in ways, but they don’t feel overwhelming anymore, because I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that there is an end now. I now can work toward accomplishing my goals, things that I’ve had to set to the side for almost two years now. I can live now.

I’m ready.

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